simpleness volume 3

okei, ei taha kedagi otseselt praegu süüdistada ega maha teha ega konkreetselt kellegile viidata - teie kes te olete kallid ja kes mitte nii palju - see ei puuduta konkreetselt kedagi nimeliselt. kui keegi tahab tunda et puudutatuna ja arvab et siin tekstis on konkreetselt viidatud temale, siis aga palun.
siit tahaksingi jätkata seda teemat, et vahel ja mõne inimese puhul tundub liigne kritiseerimine ja enese analüüsimine liigne tegevus. nii tundub et ei jää piisavalt palju aega - ehk siis peaaegu üldse - enda elu elamiseks. kui analüüsitakse oma elu ja tegemisi ja tundeid, et miks miski on läinud nii ja naa ja võetakse kõike liig surmtõsiselt, kohati isegi elulise kaalutlusega, siis no andke andeks - miks te olete sellised. vaadake enda ümber ja vaadake hoolega. kas sellel kõigel on mõttet, et ka teised tunneksid end halvasti sinu pärast. ei. ära kanna seda self-criticismi ja hädaldamiset endalt teistele.igaühe elu on parajasti nii hea kui ta selle enda jaoks kujundab. headust ja õnne on maailmas nii palju rohkem - oska leida see päike enda jaoks, sinu elus.

Kessu, see puudutab nüüd küll konkreetselt sind. et ma tahtsin sind tänada tegelikult. samas ma tahtsin ka vabandada, kui sul tekkis tunne et ma sinust kahtlesin. mul on siiralt hea meel, et sa minu väga hea sõber oled ja ma ei ole selles kahelnudki. ja aitähh sulle selle tunnustuse eest, mis puudutas sinu kiitust minu eneseväljendus oskuse kohta. mul on väga hea meel, et sa seda tähele panid. see ehk annab ka kinnitust neile, kes seda ei arva ja kes mind ei mõista. tõsi, ma ei tee seda kogu aeg, vahel see lööb minus välja. seega kõik võibolla ei olegi sellest veel aru saanud. aga tore kui inimesed, eriti lähedased ja head inimesed, seda märkavad.

simpleness volume 2

kui siis juba. eks ole. kui meeled lähevad valla, siis ei saa end tagasi hoida. siis tuleb välja öelda kõik mis kannatab ja vajab välja tulemist.
tundub et sellest pealkirjast võiks saada äkki mingi eneseaitamise ja leidmise (miks mitte ka parandamise) õpiku pealkiri. et mille all saab end avada, endast välja lasta ja endast märku anda. noh mitte nii avalikult kuivõrd lihtsalt siin antud kontekstis.
ahjaa mis veel meelde tuli, et kui keegi leidis end puudutatuna eelmisest või siis nüüd sellest tekstist, siis mõelge mis teid häiris ja mille üle te tahate vaielda või mida mulle ette heita. ehk on veel mingeid asju, mis teile minu juures ei meeldi ja siis saate end puistata ja mulle lihtsalt hea meelt valmistada. oleneb ehk isiksuse tüüpidest kui tõsiselt ma seda võtan. võiksite järeldada seda jällegi eelmisest tekstist. (ehk jäi natukene arusaamatuks).
ühesõnaga tahtsin ma praegu tunda rõõmu enda üle. vahel üllatan ehk end isegi, teatud mõttes. tegelt ei tahaks öelda et üllatan vaid pigem et olen inimlikum, mõistvam. viimasel ajal on mulle palju öeldud, et olen väga mõistlik ja arusaaja inimene. ehk tulebki see sellest, et ma olen realist. võibolla ka mitte. ma üritan lihtsalt mõista asju nii nagu nad on, nii nagu nad on teistele paremad ja kuidas nad mind mõjutavad või mitte. mõnede asjade pärast ei ole ju mõttet lausa end hakata piinama. mõni asi on nii elementaarne, tahaks vist jälle öelda realistlik, aga selle teises tähenduses. mitte kui reaalne vaid pigem kui eluline. jällegi see, et igast pisiasjast ei saa teha elevanti kohe ja tekitada traagikat.
ma arvan, et ma muidu sain ikka õigesti aru, mida selle arusaaja inimese all mõistetakse. kas on see võimalik et äkki aastatega on kogenud elutarkust ja kogemust ja ma vaatan elule veidi teise pilguga. ei taha hakata kiitma end, kuid ma usun et mõnedki teised minuga sarnased inimesed on sellised. nad ei oleks ju muidu sarnased. aga näiteks mõned minu sõbrad on samamoodi sellised arusaajad inimesed. ehk ongi see selles, et sarnased hoiavad kokku?
teine asi mis mind tegelikult häirib on see, et minust ei saada aru. mul äärmiselt kahju et te kes te ei oska end panna minu nahka ja mõista mind see läbi. te ei suuda vaadata elu või mingit situatsiooni või kogemust läbi minu silmade. miks ma seda mõtlen on see, et inimesed ei taha mõista ja arusaada. ma usun et ma ei räägi asjadest ja probleemidest niivõrd halvasti ja segaselt et midagi selgusetuks jääks. ma usun et ma tean millest ma mõtlen ja mida ma tunnen. eks kindlasti on raske oma arvamust edasi anda selliselt teistele, et see ei muutuks. või on äkki asi selles, et inimesed ei taha aru saada? võibolla nad ei tahagi midagi mõista, mingit asja millest nad ei taha arusaada. nad kardavad võibolla see läbi tõele vastu vaadata.
oma varasemates "eludes" - nimetan neid oma suheteks - olen tundnud väga erinevaid inimesi ja ka iseloomusid. minu arusaam sellest üldiselt on mul olemas, juba välja kujunenud. naljakas on mõelda, et kui keegi ütleb su kohta naistemees ja esmapilgul mõtleb jumal teab mida kokku, alustades loomulikult sellest kõige räpasemast. see inimene, kes minust nii arvas või siiamaani ehk arvab, eksib rängalt. eksib seeläbi et ta ei tunne mind. ja inimest ei saa iseloomustada, kui ei tunne teda. teatud kuvandite läbi ei saa otsustada inimese elu üle, kes ta on ja mida ta teeb.
suhted on sellised asjad, mis peavad olema. kui sa tahad endale õnnelikku abielu, leida just see õige, kellega koos olla kuni elu lõpuni ja iga päev, luua pere, siis sa pead teda tundma. ma ei räägi praegu lihtsalt inimese tundmisest teades tema üksikasju, mida ta arvab mingist asjast ja mida ta teeb hommikuti esimese asjana üles ärgates. vaid tundes teda selliselt, et sa tunnetad teda, tead mis sulle temas meeldib ja mis on temas just see, mis paneb sind seisma ja mõtlema ja imestama. tundes teda selliselt, et tema iseloom on kui sinu enda oma, mida sa armastad ja väärtustad. mina arvan, et seda kõike ei ole võimalik saada teada siis kui sa leiad ühe kalli inimese, kellega sul on hea olla koos ja kui sa ei tunne erinevaid teisi paljusid isiksuse tüüpe sinuga koos. millest tekib tahtmine ka kellegi kolmandaga koos olla hoopis ongi see, et sa ei ole kogenud piisavalt seda elu, neid inimesi. sa ei tea milliseid inimesi on maailmas ja kuidas sa nendega käituksid erinevates olukordades. loomulikult on olemas erandeid ja nendest ma ei räägi. pealegi on see minu arvamus ja arusaam.
elu on üks suur kogemuste pagas ja ka suhted lähevad sinna alla. jällegi, on üks kallis inimene öelnud mulle seda, et kui sa ei ole kogenud seda halba, siis sa ei teagi mis on hea. alles siis kui sa seda koged, siis sa tead mis see on, sa õpid seda väärtustama ja hoidma.
tekib kindlasti küsimus, et kaua sa neid suhteid lood ja teed ja otsid neid kogemusi. seda ei ole võimalik ajaliselt ega kordades võimalik paika panna. seda peab tundma endas. seda tunneb. loomulikult ei ole võimalik kõiki tüüpe ja kogemusi korraga saada ja hankida. ma ei väidagi, et inimene peaks 20 aastat iga 3 kuu tagant endale uue kaasa leidma. ei, mitte seda. ma pean silmas siin seda, et kui üks suhe ei tööta, siis on selleks ka mingi põhjus. ja selleks et seda teada saada, kas see suhe toimib või mitte on vaja elada ja proovida. katsetada. kui sa mingi hetk tunned, et - ei see ei lähe, see suhe ei toimi, sest ma ei tunne seda õiget tunnet, et edasi minna - siis järelikult seda tunnet ei ole ja ei tulegi. järelikult ei saa ka edasi minna. sellepärast aga ei saa süüdistada kedagi. kõik asjad ei saagi toimida ja mõni asi tuleb välja alles hiljem, mõni varem. sellised asjad ei küsi aega ega luba. selleks, et asi oleks õige, peab olema see tunne sinus sees, et sa tahad edasi minna. õigemini see on loomulikust juba sinu sees, kuid kui mingi hetkel tekib rahutus ja ebakindlus, et kas see on ikka see, kas ma tunnen ennast vabalt igas olukorras, koos või ilma temata, kas ma häbenen teda millegi pärast, kas miski häirib mind või veel midagi muud - siis seda tunnet ei teki. on asju, mida ei tule ja mida ei saa tagant sundida.

ma leian, et asju ei saa tagant sundida. nende jaoks peab olema tahe. kui seda ei ole, siis see ei toimi. kauge ja pikk eemal olek on hea näide selle kohta - kui sa tunned, et isegi mitte teineteisest eemalolek ei suuda teis tekitada seda tunnet nagu oleks tagant sundimine, siis möödub aeg juba loomulikust. suheldakse, naerdakse ja tuntakse teineteist, isegi vahemaa ei ole takistus. kui on see tunne, et tahad lõpuni edasi minna ja see on vastastikune, siis ei saa miski valesti minna ega keegi vahele segada. siis ongi see õige tunne.

nothing beats the simpleness.

mõtlesin vahel ka eesti keeles kirjutada, vaene georges, kes ei saa nüüd sellest sõnumist midagi aru. aga ma usun, et tema mõistab mind kindlasti. hämmastama panev ongi see, et tema mõistab mind alati. tal on alati vastus olemas kõigile küsimustele ja probleemidele ja ta oskab hinnata asju, mida toimub, eriti minuga.
ja nüüd siis. ma ei saa vahel aru, miks puhutakse sääsest elevanti. kas on see tingitud mitmetest keerkäikudest kui info levib ja siis lihtsalt paisutatakse see suuremaks kui see tegelikult on või lihtsalt mõtleb mõni inimene selle enda jaoks suuremaks. tähtsamaks. olulisemaks.
ma olen realist. minu kohta on öeldud palju et ma olen liiga realist. liigagi reaalne, et lihtsalt võtan ära selle tunde, et tekiks mingigi heaolu või unistuste taoline hetk. noh, saate ehk aru mida mõtlen. samas, ma ise üritan olla niivõrd lihtne kui saan. sellepärast ma ei saa ka aru mõningatest asjadest.
näiteks sellest, mis on oluline kellegile. mulle on olulised minu sõbrad. mulle on olulised minu tuttavad ja otseloomulikult minu pere ja lähedased inimesed kes kuuluvad sinna pereliikmetega samasse "klassi". ja siis on ju igasuguseid muid tuttavaid, kellega lihtsalt vahel saad kokku ja räägid. tutvused on head, sest kunagi ei või teada, millal kellegil teenet on vaja või millal endal. aidata ju võiks. ja saab. aga igal juhul on olemas teatud piir sõpruses, kust alates on sul konkreetse inimese suhtes pehmelt öeldes ükskõik mida ta sinust arvab. mida ta mõtleb, kellega räägib sinust või kellestki teisest. eestis elab 1.4 milj. inimest, tartus neist 100k laias laastus. paljude inimestega kohtud ikka tänava peal ja näed tuttavaid nägusid aga mõne puhul ei lähe si****gi korda mida ta sinust arvab. ja mõni võib olla isegi rohkem kui lihtsalt tuttav näolapp. vot minu puhul on vist praegu selline tunne, et teen mida ma teen või ütlen mida ma ütlen. üldsusele teada olevas mõistes - "i don't care shit what some people think about me". kui te arvate, et ma olen teinud nii või naa ja midagi valesti või halvasti, siis palun tehke seda. jumala eest arvake mida tahate. ma tean millised inimesed ja sõbrad ja muud koduloomad mulle tähtsad on ja kelle arvamus mulle tegelikult ka korda läheb. this is my fucking life and don't jude it. do not come here and tell me what i'm supposed to be or do and what is wrong and what is not. iga ühel on loomulikult õigus avaldada oma arvamust ja seda ma ka väärtustan ja hindan inimeste puhul palju, kuid kuskilt läheb piir.
niih. teine oluline asi mis mul praegu hinge peal, on nimelt see kui räägitakse ja mõeldakse igasuguseid asju liiga palju. ma ei mõtle kvantitatiivsuse koha pealt vaid just kvalitatiivsuse. ehk väljendan end veidi valesti, kuid mõte on selles, et kõiki asju ei saa ainult enda jaoks tähtsustada nii suureks. võtke elu vabamalt!!! ärge võtke kõike liiga tõsiselt!!! god dammit, life isn't all about right and wrong. kui ma midagi valesti olen teinud, siis ma saan sellest aru (loodetavasti) ja teen omad järeldused. kui ei saa, siis ei saa ja elan edasi teadmises et olen käitunud õigesti.
minu eesmärk siin elus ei ole teha teistele inimestele halba. ma ei tee seda kavatsusega. vahel jah juhtub et inimesed saavad haiget. sorry, elus juhtub kõike. ka mina olen saanud haiget ja mitte vähe. aga elan ja hingan. ja tunnen rõõmu kõigest mis minu ümber. elus on halbu aegu ja on häid. tuleb lihtsalt väärtustada seda, mida sul antud hetkel on ja mille üle õnne tunda. ja siis seda nautida. ma elan enda elu. enda tegemisi. ja ausalt öeldes elan elu enda jaoks, mitte teiste jaoks. see ei tähenda et ma isekas oleksin ja teistest ei hooli. just vastupidi. ma hoolin väga ja hoolin ka oma lähedastest. minu kohta on öeldud ju (olen seda ka varem juba kirjutanud), et ma ei tee asju mitte sellepärast et midagi sealt vastu saada vaid sellepärast et ma teen seda loomulikust, heast, ilma midagi vastu ootamata. sellel ja enda elu elamisel enda nimel on kaks erinevat asja oma loomult. see ei tähenda et ma oleksin kahepalgeline. kes sellest aru ei saa, ei saagi sellest aru ja ei tahagi seda ehk mõista. enda probleem, ütleks selle kohta.
mis ma tegelt öelda tahan, on see et elu ei ole mõeldud selleks, et seda kogu aeg kriitilise pilguga vaadata ja igat tegevust mõõta. elu on elamiseks. tundke sellest rõõmu. ja tundke enda elust rõõmu. te elate ju enda elu. ja kusjuures, kui ma elan enda elu ja endale, siis see ei tähenda seda et ma ei saaks anda endast kõik just sellele teisele poole, kellega ma selle elu koos veedan kuni oma surmani. kui see tunne on õige ja teine pool on õige seda vastu võtma, siis ongi kõik lihtne ja korras. siis te elate teineteisele.

üks väga tark ja taibukas tüdruk on andnud mulle edasi sellise mõtteviisi, mida ma ennem ei osanud arvatagi ja mis tegelikult ongi minu arvates väga õige. "kaks inimest ei moodusta ühte tervikut. 1+1 = 3. sinul on sinu elu, temal on tema elu ja kolmas elu on teie ühine elu. ainult nii ei lämmata te teineteist ja te saate jagada teineteisele kõike ja elada oma elu koos teisega."

ma tunnen praegu, et ma hingan oma elu. enda jaoks. jagades seda minu lähedaste inimestega, kes mõistavad mind ja austavad minu elu. selliselt hingavad ka nemad minu elu.

jose gonzalez in live

i can easily say that this concert was one of the best i've been lately. well, i haven't been in many concerts lately but this doesn't matter. if i had been, then...

the only bad thing was that it was a little bit short. jose played like an hour and 15 minutes but it was all worth it. everything more would have been just the top cherry of the cake. he created this special atmosphere with his songs and mates playing along all kind of known and unknown instruments. and then jose mastering his guitar - at some point it was so awesome what kind of sounds he got out of it. this was crazy and beautiful in same time.
and of course the other part of the concert was actually the first one, the most important. she makes me just speechless in here. and she knows that.

thank you mai and jose for making this evening so memorable.

blooming

today i woke up and had this feeling inside. telling me that everything is right. not just fine but on it's right way. it's not because of the sun and all the blooming that is going on in nature and in people minds.
i just felt that time is a very precious thing. you have to take most of it and when you have to wait for something or somebody, for life, and you know that this is what you want from life, then that time is worth every breath of it.
so, what ever you have to do or you want to do - do it. because for every thing in this world has it's own time and everything comes when it's needed and when the time is right.
i'm really happy i had this feeling inside me today. i'm happy that i'm happy. and that everybody around me are happy. simple life.

the sun is shining every day - it's up to you if you see that or not.

broken tyre

it happened as i was expecting it to happen. sooner or later my bikes tyre was going to be dead. and today it happened. i can only be thankful that i wasn't far away from home. but if i would had been doing a longer distance i'd have my helping hand. because i had it now already.
i feel bad because i actually could have got home anyway, after some km of walk. but it was backhanded in it's own reason.

supposition moment

do you know this feeling inside of you? when you're smiling only because of this one small moment of yours. this moment is as simple as possible, it's the easiest thing and you cannot compare it to anything. it's almost worthless, and for some people it is. but not for me. because this moment changes so much. i'd rather say it changes everything. you get this feeling that you want to get stuck in that time forever. everything is actually simple.
but people can't see it. yesterday i heard this story. people are different when they meet and at first they want to be somebody else. they're pretending to be somebody the other side wants you to be. i have a name for it - supposition moment of life. and when time passes, people get to know each other and they love these supposition moments of theirs. and then they become somebody else. somebody that this other person doesn't know. usually they don't like it. and they want to get rid of this because it's getting on their nerves. it's not the point that people get bored of each other. this is just true life that people got to feel afterwards.
it's easy to say that be yourself from the beginning. and it's even easier to do that. but only when you feel like that. when you don't have this obligation inside to pretend to be somebody else just to become the love of your life. you can only have it when you're yourself. the way you are. and when you're with that person who doesn't make you be not you then this is special. this is actually the most special thing for it. from there on everything will start right. that way you get what you deserve.
this is like you're not doing things to your mates around you just to get the feeling they get from you. you're doing this just because your heart says that and you're happy doing this.
and this makes people happy - being for themselves, not for others. they know the happiness is inside of them. and that other persons reflect that by life.
i know what it feels like. and i know that i'm happy for it. i'm being me. not fake. this is what i do and what i am. and i love the way you feel it. because i know it's the same with you.

here comes the sun. beautiful and warm,
shining down on me.
making me feel warm and shine inside,
reflecting to outside.

my inner shine to outside.

a week

this is how my working space looks like. now you can imagine few days ago it was full of all kind of papers and urgent projects to be handled right away because my supervisor has vacation and i had to deal with everything going on in the office. right now i can breathe and actually am enjoying the whole thing. i like it when things are under my control.
still every day comes one surprise. like today i got to know that Kalle forgot to pay some bills yet he said to me that everything has been paid and alright. and i don't have the rights to do it. so we'll see how we can deal with that problem.
and new works coming in and old ones being finished and handled over to the clients. i just love it right now.
hopefully i'm doing everything well and everybody else values it.

... all i need is to be loved by you.

deputy in charge

from today on till 5th may i'm in the office in charge of everything. this is the fastest promoting work i've ever done. having worked a month and half and already in charge of everything hoing around here. well, seems more than is. because Kalle has vacation and spending his next 3 weeks in Nepal then i have to run this place. at first i got a little bit scared because not that i know everything about this job, now i have to deal with things and i have almost nowhere to ask help or advice. and that's the scary thing.
but we will survive and i'm pretty sure that i won't make any big fuzz out of it. anyways i'm excited and happy for the chance that i can put myself to the test.

unexpected behaviour

Today i was supposed to fly back home. luckily i did that. when we first planned driving to the airport, which was about 200km from thomas's home, we thought that 6 o'clock would be just fine to start the journey. my flight was going 8:55 and we thought that 2 hours of driving is absolutely normal in the autobahn's. in the evening we moved it to 5:45, so we had to get up like 5:15.
everything went fine till i got out of the shower, got dressed and looked outside. then i realized that we are in a hurry actually. it was snowing. the ground wasn't covered with snow yet, but it was about to come that close because the snowflakes were pretty thick.
well, we didn't panic, yet. once we got the highway, and after about 20 minutes of driving 90km/h (too slow) i got into panic. because we were about to get slower and slower every minute. not because of the weather but because of the other cars and there were a lot of them. we didn't think, and i'd rather say that Thomas was surprised more than me, to see so many cars that early. we thought that they might have heard something about the upcoming snow and they started going to work earlier knowing it would take them longer than usually. but we didn't know that. and once we got further and saw more snow the cars slowed down even more. and then i started to think how the hell am i going to get back most quickly and not spending much extra money.
but we got a little bit loose when we took a 10km longer way to the airport but which turned out to be pretty free of cars, so we could drive really fast and make up the lost time. but eventually this "shortcut" ended and we found ourselves again in a road full of cars. at some point it cleared that much we could drive faster and now we were heading to the airport in 150. boy was i relieved. the gps system showed the arriving time 8:10 and we were sure that i can still make it in time we planned. and there was no snow at all.
but we made a mistake trusting everything but ourselves. when it was 20km to go we started to see some snow on ground, the road was still good. but you see, the problem was that the airport is up in the higher land and every stupid child knows that if it's up, it's colder. and we expected some more snow. the more we drove the more roads became covered with snow and at some point with ice.
now it's the time that i have to say that german people (thomas i'm sorry, you almost do not qualify) cannot drive in winter. well, they don't have winter like we have, roads full of snow and ice all the time. and they don't have tyres with nails made especially for icy roads. but still, it was like a disaster there. 3 cars ahead of us one car almost crashed just because it was driving with summer slicks.
anyway. at some point we were back of a small bus and going nowhere. we were moving like 500m in half an hour. while we had some time i didn't panic right away. i thought that when we have come that far we can't fail anymore. but i was getting wrong thinking like that. i thought that if thomas will not start to drive past that bus we will be stuck here forever. luckily he did that. and to our surprise there was one big truck going in ahead of that bus which was struggling to get up the hill. i was furious. really furious. because we lost so much time just because not seeing this and being stupid. ouh, did i mention that i had a horrible need to pee but i couldn't go out because i thought that anytime we will start moving again. and i was almost crying inside.
and then after some time passing some other stopped cars and not stopped porsche 's we finally made to see the airport. it was 500m and there was our final obstacle - huge bus standing in the middle of the road, no one letting the cars ahead to pass it and nowhere to go either. for once i thought i'd take my bag and start running because this seemed to go faster than waiting there. but the forces of peoples nature got it's power over some drivers dick and coming cars started to let us pass the bus, including us. and then i started running to the gate. the people working at the gate were already waiting for me and after getting the permission to go to the plane i had one more battle (besides the thing that i still needed to pee) - i had to find the right plane out of 5 similar ones in a snow storm. i tried my luck at the first one and i was right about it.
because i was almost late, i could'nt go to pee in the plane, not before we had taken off because at that moment they were tanking and i wasn't allowed to go to bathroom. at some point they finished it but we were still waiting for some passengers and i just couldn't wait anymore. i thought to myself that i'll explode definetely when we gather heights and i insisted that i can take an urgent pee. and i was allowed to do it.
after some hour of waiting we got off, landed at riga, got some more rain and headed to take my car from the parking space. i was hungry but i didn't have any time nor money to stop somewhere so i headed right away to home.
everything was even more tragic because i got some cold few days ago and it's not a very good feeling inside when you fly when you have a cold. but i was doing oke, i thought and once i got some hotdog from a petrol station in estonia i was feeling happy. an hour to drive and boy was i going fast.
and in the end everything went good. luckily.

fulda

we dropped Johanna and her mother off at the train station and headed to Fulda. this city is famous for it's churches and catholic life. because the weather was misty and cloudy we had a small tour in the city, and peeked in the most famous cathedral of Fulda. it was really beautiful and big. all the ornaments and things everywhere and it was so lightful. i have this vision about churches being very dark inside but this one was so bright and full of daylight. and maybe that was the thing with it.
we sat there for a moment and thought about ourselves and life and it was emotional. we looked around and then headed back. Thomas knew an excellent cafe where they served very good cakes and we thought it would be a great idea to just sit and have a coffee and cake and some talk. we ended up talking there about all kind of things for 4 hours. it remember me the times back when Thomas was in estonia for a ear and when we had hose talks about life. i loved it and thought to myself that this weekend has been a very good move for me. i was happy to see and talk to him. and i did what i had been promising for 2 years to go and visit him in frankfurt. now i have it done and next time we will go there with all the boys.
thanks Thomas for such a beautiful weekend, you are really the best friend of mine.
8:55 goes my flight and i have to get some sleep.

saturday in frankfurt

today we planned to conquer frankfurt. we got a good breakfest at home and headed for the city of business. the weather was bad and not that i expected rain and cloudy day. but, needless to say, it was a fine spring day and we got some sunshine round lunch time. and that was actually enough for the day. i had my sunshine in me, in my heart.
so we thought what we should do. firstly thomas took me for a small ride round the city, showed me the business area and some common frankfurter houses. everything seemed old german housing but every time i thought about that thomas made a mark that most of the buildings are from the 1950s. because frankfurt was bombed almost entirely after the war. so they had to reconstruct it and they did a very good job here. they kinda fooled me. plus we had some u-bahn and s-bahn.
after that we met his father and some friends of him at the local market where people usually come and buy some local wine and then they chat and make new friends and socialize. everything was there so happy and ouh, i don't know how to describe it.
we had some more beer and talk and fun at a museum cafe where we inspected all the people there, especially the 3 finnish women who were next to our table. at some point we listened to their conversation and realized that they might understand us too. that was scary. but they left after some time and we could breathe normally again. ok, it wasn't that scary, but they were ugly and fat, like most of them are.
last but not least we went to a local famous frankfurter restaurant where we could have some local food. thomas insisted me that i have to try it. i agreed. but the problems started when we had already had too much beer and we urgently needed to pee. but it wasn't the easiest part to find a parking spot. finally after some driving around we found one and ran to the restaurant. and to our surprise it wasn't empty at all. but we had to pee first. then we could start to find a table for us.
and afterwards we picked up from the airport Johanna and her mother and drove back to Steinau.

hahn - steinau

keeping you guys posted by new feeds right away after i come back to estonia. right now it's frankfurt, steinau, my home for next few days.

so much to see and so much to share.

only two words to say - beautiful otherness.

criticism on me

when i do something wrong i get criticised that i do it wrong. simple as that. sometimes i like it when somebody corrects you. it's helpful and educating because when the next time you do the same thing then you know how to do it the right way.

and from the other part it is not so good to get that much criticism because that will bring me under the level of anybody else. that means i'm lower than grass, that i'm stupid. but maybe i did it my way. maybe i thought that this is well done and seems right. if i do it my way then it's my choice and it doesn't mean right away that it's wrong.
at work i really don't know the way how she is communicating with people and with clients. it's her way to do it. if i'm asked to talk to the client then i do it my way. and at some way i don't like it when she corrects me and says that you can't do this or that. you'll have to do it other way. and i don't like it. it seems like when she is leaving i have to take over her role and play it along. i should be somebody different. from the clients view i know this seems right because they are used to communicate the way it goes. but you can't expect me to be the same creative as she is. i say different words and there's not a rule do say things for some things.
so it's someway pros and cons. i'm happy about the fact that she helps to improve me, that she teaches me some important things. like how to be more polite and explicit. i really do not have so many experiences and i am thankful for her.
so i should take as much information i need and what really does good for me and the other criticism i should throw in the air. because she can say things badly, mainly that's her personality and i can't blame her for that. and i'm not. it's just me who isn't that strong yet.
she remembers me my brothers wife who is triple that much 'ugly' (from inside) sometimes. and i can deal with her. i can deal with that too.
wish me luck!